Anything to raise a smile.
I just bought a portable tv. It said on the box 'built in antenna'. Can't find antenna on any map I have.
I just bought a portable tv. It said on the box 'built in antenna'. Can't find antenna on any map I have.
Humour
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25-04-23 16:09Policeman interrupts young couple parked in a cemetery
He shines his flashlight in the faces of the embarrassed couple and asks “Didn’t you see the sign that says the cemetery is closed after sunset?”
The young man replies "No officer, we drove in the other entrance that has the sign that says “Get lots while you’re young.” -
25-04-23 18:06Few awful ones
Knock at the door...they asked if I wanted to become Jehovah's Witness?...confused I said "I didn't see the accident."
Firefighters think they deserve higher pay but apparently a poll was taken and all fell through a hole in the floor.
A man comes home to his wife.
"Pack your bags, I've just won the lottery!".
"What?"
"Pack your bags, I've won £5 million."
"But where are we going? Somewhere warm, cold, what should I pack?"
"Just pack them, and sod off"
Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?
They always retweet too early
🤦♂️ -
Community Manager27-04-23 09:00Love this thread idea @Rolebama
I've got a few fav jokes. You make regret this! 😂
I was walking down the street when someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.
.....
I was like: 'What the Hellman'?!
What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?
....
HalloumiWelcome to the RAC Community! Start here 😀
You can say hi and introduce yourself too 👋
What should you do after a collision? 🤔
Got a question or want to start a discussion? Create a new post here. ✍
Looking for info? Start with a new search. 🔍 -
17-05-23 15:27Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the award for being outstanding in his field...................................
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18-05-23 14:06A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up, moves to the First-Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant sees her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells her that she only paid for Economy and will have to go back to her own seat. The blonde replies adamantly, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to London and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is this blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat, so the co-pilot goes back and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde pouts and repeats, even more firmly than before, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to London and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that they probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot shrugs, gets up, and says, “I’ll handle this. I speak blonde. I married one and learned the language.”
He kneels down and whispers something in her ear. With a startled look, she gets up and moves back to her seat in Economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
“I told her First Class isn’t going to London.”
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05-06-23 11:13Why did te chicken cross the road?
He was going to the idiot's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken. -
22-07-23 12:10If you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it's like to be attacked by a crab.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.Last edited by Rolebama; 22-07-23 at 12:13.
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22-07-23 15:18An Englishman goes into an American diner and orders the soup of the day. When he sees it he says disgustedly, ‘Good lord! What is this?’ The waitress replies, ‘It’s bean soup.’ The Englishman says, ‘I don’t care what it’s been! What is it now?’
Waiter, to a table full of middle-aged women:
“Is anything ok?” -
23-07-23 08:33Two Lions escape from Belle Vue Zoo in Manchester, they amble up to Piccadilly, down Market Street and along Deansgate.
One Lion turns to t’other and sez “eh it’s quiet for a Saturday” -
Community Manager16-08-23 14:36Some midweek chuckles....
These are apparently the '10 best' jokes from this year's Edinburgh Festival.
My fav from the bunch: "Cats are like strippers – they sit on your lap and make you think they love you." 😂 -
31-08-23 17:19Saw a good T shirt at a county show at the BH weekend. It was in the style of Just Stop Oil but said JUST USE OIL. Mentioned I like it and was told I wasn't the first one to comment positively.
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22-09-23 15:06Panda walks into a bar and asks for a gin............................................... ...............................................and tonic. The barman asks, "Why the pause?" to which the panda replies: "I don't know, I was born with them!"
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25-09-23 08:02Husband: “After what my boss said to me today, I don’t think I can work for him anymore.”
Wife: “What did he say?”
Husband: “You’re fired.”
Sam and Joan were married for 50 years and had 5 kids. Sam got sick and on his deathbed, he says: “Our 4th child - Johnnie doesn’t look like the others. Joan, I know you’ve had affairs over the years. Who’s Johnnie’s father?” Joan replies “You are.” -
Community Manager11-10-23 08:24Here's a midweek chuckle I'd like to share.
The other day I was walking down the street when someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.
I was like 'what the hell, man'.
😂 -
26-11-23 12:23So this woman inherited a talking parrot. Well, not so much a talker, more a swearer. It swore every time it opened it's beak. She tried teaching it other words, she rebuked it, she tried everything she could think of but still the parrot swore. The worst of it was though that the parrot was a very loud bird. It shouted, it screamed and it shrieked constant profanities.
One day the woman lost it. She grabbed the parrot by the throat and was throttling it. She realized what she was doing and stuffed the parrot into the freezer while she calmed down a little. She could hear it through the dorr as it continued to scream it's way through it's whole vocabulary. Then it stopped. A few seconds went by and there was a gentle tapping on the door. She opened the door and the parrot stepped out. "I most humbly and sincerely apologize for my behaviour over the past months, and hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me." It said. "By the way, what did the chicken do?"Last edited by Rolebama; 26-11-23 at 12:25. Reason: typo
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04-12-23 12:30There is the story of the woman from the Bronx, eight months pregnant, who goes into a six-month coma. When she finally awakes in the hospital she is informed by the nurse that while she was in her coma she delivered twins, a girl and a boy. The babies are healthy and her brother, also from the Bronx, named them. “My brother is such an idiot, what could he have named them? What is my daughter’s name?”
When the nurse answered Denise the woman thought that is quite nice and perhaps her brother wasn’t quite the idiot she feared. “And what did he call my son?”, she inquired. The nurse answered “Denephew”. -
11-12-23 23:25
A woman was breastfeeding her baby in the park, and a little boy came up and watched.
“What does the baby drink?” he asked.
“Just milk and orange juice,” replied the mother.
“Oh,” said the boy, "which one is the orange juice? -
Community Manager29-12-23 09:12Happy new year everyone!
Thought I'd share this pic doing the rounds on social media. I can't imagine why anyone would be apprehensive about 2024! Surely it'll be a perfect year.... what could possibly go wrong?
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29-12-23 21:01A guy orders a steak at a restaurant and when the waiter brings it to the table the waiter has his thumb on the steak. The customer is horrified and asks why the thumb on the steak, to which the waiter replies "I don't want it sliding off the plate and falling onto the floor again"
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01-01-24 12:02I went to a pub and asked the barman for the wifi password. He said, “youhavetobuyabeerfirst.”
So I bought a beer and asked again for the password. He gave me the same answer. -
02-01-24 17:59Two bikers stop off on a bridge over a river to take a leak.
Being boastful one says "Damn, that water's cold"
To which the other biker replied "Sure is, and it's deep too"😁 -
29-01-24 23:46Inventor of the Clock: There will be twelve numbers on it.
Friend: Ah! So, the day will be divided in twelve segments.
Inventor: No, 24.
Friend: Oh. And the day starts at 1.
Inventor: No, it starts at 12, which is at night.
Friend: …?
Inventor: And the 6 stands for 30.
Inventor: It has three hands. The first hand is the hour hand, the second hand is the minute hand, and the third hand is the second hand.
Friend:😧
