Humour
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17-02-24 15:35So the last vampire bat arrives at the roost. He has fresh blood all across his face. The other vampire bats ask where did this happen? He agrees to take them to the site. They fly off together over the wood, the valley and the river finally arriving at the village. He gestures toward a nice big pine tree in a garden. "See that tree?" He asks. "I didn't".
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Community Manager19-02-24 10:53Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he felt crumby.Thanks,
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Mark.
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20-02-24 22:06Truck drivers usually have to complete a check sheet to report any faults they find so that they can be rectified. Mechanics have been known to make humorous replies.
DRIVER: Left inside rear tyre almost needs replacement.
MECHANIC: Almost replaced left inside rear tyre.
D: Test drive OK, except auto-box very rough.
M: Auto-box not installed on this truck.
D: Something loose in cab.
M: Something tightened in cab.
D: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.
D: Evidence of leak on right rear suspension.
M: Evidence removed.
D: Low air warning unbelievably loud.
M: Low air warning set to more believable level
D: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you’re right.
D: Engine missing.
M: Engine found under cab after brief search.
D: Vehicle handles funny.
M: Vehicle warned to straighten up, drive right, and be serious.
D: Mouse in cab.
M: Cat installed.
D: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.
Last edited by Santa; 20-02-24 at 22:08.
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25-03-24 18:40A man walks into a bar, with a piece of asphalt under his arm.
Barman asks what he can get him.
A whiskey for me and one for the road, says the man. -
03-04-24 16:49Charley, a new retiree at B & Q, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, even 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, smart, a quick learner and a credit to the company, obviously demonstrating the success of their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a great job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is a bit of a concern when the others see you getting away with it.”
“Yes, I know sir, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”.
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Navy. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”
The old man looked down at the floor and smiled. When he looked up he said with a grin, “They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?
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10-05-24 13:30Couldn't find a suitable thread for this, but it did make me smile. Apparently made by Goodyear in 1951.
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16-05-24 22:27@Rolebama I am having trouble working out what's going on in the Goodyear picture?
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17-05-24 09:40Illuminated tyres. I don't know what colour they were, but I imagined them as being the green that watch hands etc are, and contemplating reactions seeing them at night on unlit roads. (How many alien sightings would be reported?)
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22-06-24 13:11So the husband unwittingly upsets the wife to the point she throws him out of the house. He walks up the road a little and phones her.
"Can I talk to Personality 4 please, I'd like her to talk to Personality 2 and ask her what did I do this time?" -
27-06-24 21:51An Essex girl was involved in a car crash and was trapped. Paramedics turned up and one of them said to her, “You’ll be all right now, love. We’ll soon have you out. Where are you bleeding from?”
“I’m from bleedin’ Chingford, mate. What about you?” -
08-07-24 13:39Personally, I have tried the following on a one-to-one basis, and it goes down like a lead balloon, but with a group = a brilliant reaction.
Question 1: An aeroplane has 500 bricks on board, and one falls out, how many are left?
Answer: 499.
Question 2: Name the three steps to put an elephant in the fridge?
Answer: Open fridge, insert elephant, close fridge.
Question 3: Name the four steps to put a giraffe in the fridge?
Answer: Open fridge, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close fridge.
Question 4: The King Of All The Animals invites all animals to a party, they all attend except one. Why?
Answer: The giraffe, it is stuck in the fridge.
Question 5: Sarah has to cross a crocodile-infested river, and swims across unaccosted. How come?
Answer: The crocodiles are all at the party.
Question 6: Sarah dies anyway, Why?
Answer: She is hit on the head by a brick.
With apologies. -
08-07-24 13:45
One of my fellow Scotsmen swam across another crocodile-infested river, unaccosted.
Q. How come?
A. He had a tattoo "Scotland for the World Cup". Even a croc wouldn't swallow that. -
13-07-24 13:01I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large economy bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. -
13-07-24 20:08When they hear my accent I often get asked "So what bought you to America"
My reply of "A damn great big aeroplane, as it was a little too far to swim", always confuses them.😁 -
14-07-24 12:07My wife is in hospital after a bee stung her on the forehead. Her face is all bruised and swollen quite badly. Luckily I managed to hit it with a shovel before it flew off.
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24-07-24 11:14I'm waiting for a mobile tyre fitter
I've just had an email updating me, apparently he's been dispatched
The last customer may well have been upset with his work but that seems a bit harsh to me 🤔 -
16-08-24 14:23Not sure if this should be here or not, as I have seen this kind of stupidity for real.
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11-12-24 15:49I found this by accident and it bought the thread about night driving glasses to mind. However, that thread was a serious question, and I just had to smile when I read the article. I have no idea when this was published.
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15-12-24 14:50A conversation from the waiting room.
A. Oh! hello pet, I haven't seen you for ages, how are you.
B. I manage, I'm on me own now you know?
A, In a wheel chair?
B. No, I can get about at home, the chair is just for when I'm on hospital transport.
A. Doesn't your daughter pop in?
B. No she can't, her and her fella have restaurant in Cornwall, don't you remember she trained as a chef ?
A. Sorry pet, I forgot, she went to college to do cooking didn't she?
B. Yes, then to London, and Europe, that's where she met her fella, they were working in Spain.
A. Oh doe's she cook proper like on the telly?
Can she swear like they do?
B. Oh yes, everything.
A. Their place in Cornwall must be expensive then!
